Big Ole Resolution List '14

2014

Okay, last year's list sorta went all to hell, mostly because I took a part time job that ended up being a full time job and changed all the plans. Then the child kind of went hay wire and there was a lot with that.  It was an interesting year- I was able to handle the struggles that came at me a bit more adeptly, but I'm still hoping for some sort of breakthrough this year.  So, it comes down to a plan.  A big old plan.

Step 1 Fitness
This is a big deal- not just because I have drawers of clothes that don't fit, not because I used to look a lot hotter and don't anymore, no - the important reason is because it really helped my mental state to be in good shape.  I dealt with a lot of shit back then and handled it a lot better than I'm handling lesser things now.  So, that's number one on the list (as it is every year...) physical fitness.  Here is the plan.  It's gotta be hardcore.
•Cardio at least four days a week (6AM two days a week)
•Weights at least two.
•1200-1500 calories
•limit caffeine (no more four pots of coffee days...)
•lots of water
•no alcohol except occasional wine
It's common sense, I've done it before and I need to do it now. I WANT to do it now.
Goal: to lose 50 lbs by November.  Sounds like a lot, but it is definitely doable. just about 5 lbs a month. I'VE DONE IT BEFORE I WILL DO IT AGAIN.
Goal: run a 5K and a 10K

Step 2 Art
This is another important one as the last year has seen an erosion of my creative side that is unprecedented in my life.  The freelance projects have been more design oriented and not really soul feeding creative, and working another job takes a lot of energy.  I plan to stay there though through 2014 because of the piece of mind of a regular pay check is beneficial. But there are many people who would like to see me get back to storytelling and I would too.

So I need to make a plan for this too.
•Do gesture drawing for twenty minutes at least twice a week
•Spend 30-60 minutes a week writing
•choose a project (Dena or Xylia) and make time to work on it at least a few minutes a week
•do a painting a month
•musically- Donut Sharks shows- maybe two

Step 3 Personal
This is a tough one.  But I need to keep working on being more social.  Keeping up with correspondence, meeting with friends for coffee or at shows.

•meet with one friend at least once a week
•keep up with emails- set aside a 45 minute time to do this

Step 4 Miscellaneous 
Keep working at paying stuff off.
Accept help from people when they offer it. (this is a hard one...)
Do some home repairs
Don't sweat small stuff.
Leave the past in the past and don't worry about the future.

Wow that is a bad ass list.  It's all possible.  Just need to stay focused.  Eyes on the prize- which is being balanced and happy. Like any year, it will have its stumbling blocks but it will also have some exciting things too.   2014, you are my bitch.

Barbistar Chaotica

Having one of those Barbistar Chaotica periods.  I've been a little under the weather and didn't sleep well, so I tried to chalk some of it up to mental fatigue, but generally I'm starting to get that antsy feeling of  living in a movie that has no plot. The spinning plates crashing, the Crazy Train off the rails, all that regular bullshit that I've grown to consider my normal for almost 13 years. I know that I have no control over anything, but right now I'm skidding along without a plan and I'm really worried the bridge is out ahead.

I usually take this time of year to write my New Years resolutions and I still want to do that, but I feel so much unease I don't even want to look out that far.  The kid, the parents, a new relationship that scares the hell out of me (because love always does) money issues, finding time to exercise stop this alarming weight gain, working two jobs I feel I don't have a handle on, and desperately missing doing art for MYSELF and wondering if I ever will again.  Right now, everything is scary to look at in any sort of long term way.  And by 'long terml, I mean even as far out as tomorrow.  There seems to be a prevailing sense of that great big shoe waiting to drop- a giant, size 4,000 steel toed boot hovering over my head and waiting to squash me... roller-coaster-in-the-dark nerves... clank clank clank ... climbing that hill you know you are going to go over, just never sure when.

And now I'm being called out if I'm not authentic by someone dear who can tell when I'm faking emotions and won't let me get away with it. This is a very, very good thing, and I know it.  It's going to make me a better person ultimately, but at the same time it's challenging for a couple reasons. Since my M.O. whenever I feel something emotionally negative has been to immediately try to suck it up- something I've never wanted to do or even been good at, but out of duty and the old wiring in my head that emotion is wrong and anything other than stoicism is fail, I've always tried to maintain.  But also it's scary to jump out a window of the familiar and trust that it's not a mistake and that this other person, or any person, will accept me despite my strong component of feeling so deeply.  The curse of the creative idealist- a livewire conduit to the depth of human emotion.  It's what drives people away, and drives me crazy.  It's what makes me want to draw emotionally charged images and stories, and what makes me feel like a misfit.

 I'm very confused right now.