2014
Okay, last year's list sorta went all to hell, mostly because I took a part time job that ended up being a full time job and changed all the plans. Then the child kind of went hay wire and there was a lot with that. It was an interesting year- I was able to handle the struggles that came at me a bit more adeptly, but I'm still hoping for some sort of breakthrough this year. So, it comes down to a plan. A big old plan.
Step 1 Fitness
This is a big deal- not just because I have drawers of clothes that don't fit, not because I used to look a lot hotter and don't anymore, no - the important reason is because it really helped my mental state to be in good shape. I dealt with a lot of shit back then and handled it a lot better than I'm handling lesser things now. So, that's number one on the list (as it is every year...) physical fitness. Here is the plan. It's gotta be hardcore.
•Cardio at least four days a week (6AM two days a week)
•Weights at least two.
•1200-1500 calories
•limit caffeine (no more four pots of coffee days...)
•lots of water
•no alcohol except occasional wine
It's common sense, I've done it before and I need to do it now. I WANT to do it now.
Goal: to lose 50 lbs by November. Sounds like a lot, but it is definitely doable. just about 5 lbs a month. I'VE DONE IT BEFORE I WILL DO IT AGAIN.
Goal: run a 5K and a 10K
Step 2 Art
This is another important one as the last year has seen an erosion of my creative side that is unprecedented in my life. The freelance projects have been more design oriented and not really soul feeding creative, and working another job takes a lot of energy. I plan to stay there though through 2014 because of the piece of mind of a regular pay check is beneficial. But there are many people who would like to see me get back to storytelling and I would too.
So I need to make a plan for this too.
•Do gesture drawing for twenty minutes at least twice a week
•Spend 30-60 minutes a week writing
•choose a project (Dena or Xylia) and make time to work on it at least a few minutes a week
•do a painting a month
•musically- Donut Sharks shows- maybe two
Step 3 Personal
This is a tough one. But I need to keep working on being more social. Keeping up with correspondence, meeting with friends for coffee or at shows.
•meet with one friend at least once a week
•keep up with emails- set aside a 45 minute time to do this
Step 4 Miscellaneous
Keep working at paying stuff off.
Accept help from people when they offer it. (this is a hard one...)
Do some home repairs
Don't sweat small stuff.
Leave the past in the past and don't worry about the future.
Wow that is a bad ass list. It's all possible. Just need to stay focused. Eyes on the prize- which is being balanced and happy. Like any year, it will have its stumbling blocks but it will also have some exciting things too. 2014, you are my bitch.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Barbistar Chaotica
Having one of those Barbistar Chaotica periods. I've been a little under the weather and didn't sleep well, so I tried to chalk some of it up to mental fatigue, but generally I'm starting to get that antsy feeling of living in a movie that has no plot. The spinning plates crashing, the Crazy Train off the rails, all that regular bullshit that I've grown to consider my normal for almost 13 years. I know that I have no control over anything, but right now I'm skidding along without a plan and I'm really worried the bridge is out ahead.
I usually take this time of year to write my New Years resolutions and I still want to do that, but I feel so much unease I don't even want to look out that far. The kid, the parents, a new relationship that scares the hell out of me (because love always does) money issues, finding time to exercise stop this alarming weight gain, working two jobs I feel I don't have a handle on, and desperately missing doing art for MYSELF and wondering if I ever will again. Right now, everything is scary to look at in any sort of long term way. And by 'long terml, I mean even as far out as tomorrow. There seems to be a prevailing sense of that great big shoe waiting to drop- a giant, size 4,000 steel toed boot hovering over my head and waiting to squash me... roller-coaster-in-the-dark nerves... clank clank clank ... climbing that hill you know you are going to go over, just never sure when.
And now I'm being called out if I'm not authentic by someone dear who can tell when I'm faking emotions and won't let me get away with it. This is a very, very good thing, and I know it. It's going to make me a better person ultimately, but at the same time it's challenging for a couple reasons. Since my M.O. whenever I feel something emotionally negative has been to immediately try to suck it up- something I've never wanted to do or even been good at, but out of duty and the old wiring in my head that emotion is wrong and anything other than stoicism is fail, I've always tried to maintain. But also it's scary to jump out a window of the familiar and trust that it's not a mistake and that this other person, or any person, will accept me despite my strong component of feeling so deeply. The curse of the creative idealist- a livewire conduit to the depth of human emotion. It's what drives people away, and drives me crazy. It's what makes me want to draw emotionally charged images and stories, and what makes me feel like a misfit.
I'm very confused right now.
I usually take this time of year to write my New Years resolutions and I still want to do that, but I feel so much unease I don't even want to look out that far. The kid, the parents, a new relationship that scares the hell out of me (because love always does) money issues, finding time to exercise stop this alarming weight gain, working two jobs I feel I don't have a handle on, and desperately missing doing art for MYSELF and wondering if I ever will again. Right now, everything is scary to look at in any sort of long term way. And by 'long terml, I mean even as far out as tomorrow. There seems to be a prevailing sense of that great big shoe waiting to drop- a giant, size 4,000 steel toed boot hovering over my head and waiting to squash me... roller-coaster-in-the-dark nerves... clank clank clank ... climbing that hill you know you are going to go over, just never sure when.
And now I'm being called out if I'm not authentic by someone dear who can tell when I'm faking emotions and won't let me get away with it. This is a very, very good thing, and I know it. It's going to make me a better person ultimately, but at the same time it's challenging for a couple reasons. Since my M.O. whenever I feel something emotionally negative has been to immediately try to suck it up- something I've never wanted to do or even been good at, but out of duty and the old wiring in my head that emotion is wrong and anything other than stoicism is fail, I've always tried to maintain. But also it's scary to jump out a window of the familiar and trust that it's not a mistake and that this other person, or any person, will accept me despite my strong component of feeling so deeply. The curse of the creative idealist- a livewire conduit to the depth of human emotion. It's what drives people away, and drives me crazy. It's what makes me want to draw emotionally charged images and stories, and what makes me feel like a misfit.
I'm very confused right now.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Patting Your Head and Rubbing Your Stomach- why I need to thank everyone for their Wacom donations....
I'm starting to feel like a Public Radio station with all my posts about this Artist Without a Wacom fundraiser I have been doing, but as I said when I started the thing- while it's REAAALLLY hard for me to ask for help - sometimes you gotta check your pride in at the door when the chips are down. My friends have more than come through. In just a few days, I've nearly reached the goal I set up.
Just in case you all don't know how important this is to me, how much it means for me in terms of my business, and the quality of art I will be able to produce (not to mention increase the speed in which I can do it) using an Intuos tablet has always been a lot like patting my head and rubbing my stomach. Like driving a standard trasmission the first time. Or like playing drums (for me) There is a disconnect, because you are drawing over here<--- and then looking up there ---> at the monitor. Now, I'm sure that youngsters who have one of these from day one have no difficulty in this endeavor, but the thing is, I'm older. Set in my ways. I have been drawing daily since I was able to hold a crayon. And that was a LONNNNG time ago. So trying to adapt to the Intuos was always a challenge, and it has never felt natural to me. I did adapt, but I have never been pleased with the expressiveness of my work, nor have I EVER been able to sketch with one. So from a creative standpoint, it's been limiting.
But I could never justify the expense of a Cintiq. They are insanely expensive new, but for two years now, I have been trying to figure out how I could scrape the funds to get a refurbished used one. But $900.00 was the cheapest I could find, and I just have never had that kind of extra funds available to me. And this year really smacked me (and a LOT of people I know) hard with some difficult times. So, I have made do with this little Intuos tablet, because it worked, and that's what mattered. Someday...
But then right at Christmas while I was besieged with the normal expenses of the holidays, continued medical bills, and slow down of work, the Intuos (which was so graciously gifted to me by my friends Dan and Monica) started misbehaving. I tried everything to get it functioning properly : loading and reloading drivers, poring over Wacom forums, asking friends, but to no avail. The little guy is just old, and isn't working 100% anymore; it only services the left hand portion of my monitor now. Basically, I will try to draw a line, and it will stop midway, so I will have to zoom out, and move the canvas area higher up so I can draw. I have never been fast drawing with the Intuos, but now I'm positively tortoisean.
So I had a decision to make: do I just get a newer Intuos, at a lower cost, or do I use this time to get what I really need to work effectively? But how do I do that?
And so, I reached out to all y'all. And you did NOT let me down.
So, getting a Cintiq (or if I decide to go with the Yiynova, still doing the research) is going to be like really drawing again for me. I'm getting so excited about how this will improve my work, my production time, and ultimately my business!
So to all of you who have helped me out, I just really need to say 'Thank You' again and let you all know what a difference you are making in my little world. <3 B
Just in case you all don't know how important this is to me, how much it means for me in terms of my business, and the quality of art I will be able to produce (not to mention increase the speed in which I can do it) using an Intuos tablet has always been a lot like patting my head and rubbing my stomach. Like driving a standard trasmission the first time. Or like playing drums (for me) There is a disconnect, because you are drawing over here<--- and then looking up there ---> at the monitor. Now, I'm sure that youngsters who have one of these from day one have no difficulty in this endeavor, but the thing is, I'm older. Set in my ways. I have been drawing daily since I was able to hold a crayon. And that was a LONNNNG time ago. So trying to adapt to the Intuos was always a challenge, and it has never felt natural to me. I did adapt, but I have never been pleased with the expressiveness of my work, nor have I EVER been able to sketch with one. So from a creative standpoint, it's been limiting.
But I could never justify the expense of a Cintiq. They are insanely expensive new, but for two years now, I have been trying to figure out how I could scrape the funds to get a refurbished used one. But $900.00 was the cheapest I could find, and I just have never had that kind of extra funds available to me. And this year really smacked me (and a LOT of people I know) hard with some difficult times. So, I have made do with this little Intuos tablet, because it worked, and that's what mattered. Someday...
But then right at Christmas while I was besieged with the normal expenses of the holidays, continued medical bills, and slow down of work, the Intuos (which was so graciously gifted to me by my friends Dan and Monica) started misbehaving. I tried everything to get it functioning properly : loading and reloading drivers, poring over Wacom forums, asking friends, but to no avail. The little guy is just old, and isn't working 100% anymore; it only services the left hand portion of my monitor now. Basically, I will try to draw a line, and it will stop midway, so I will have to zoom out, and move the canvas area higher up so I can draw. I have never been fast drawing with the Intuos, but now I'm positively tortoisean.
So I had a decision to make: do I just get a newer Intuos, at a lower cost, or do I use this time to get what I really need to work effectively? But how do I do that?
And so, I reached out to all y'all. And you did NOT let me down.
So, getting a Cintiq (or if I decide to go with the Yiynova, still doing the research) is going to be like really drawing again for me. I'm getting so excited about how this will improve my work, my production time, and ultimately my business!
So to all of you who have helped me out, I just really need to say 'Thank You' again and let you all know what a difference you are making in my little world. <3 B
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Hijacked by Silly
Hooray, we are well on our way into a new year! Weather has been good, the country is still not going over that fiscal cliff (well... that's what They SAY...)
Anyhoo... In Barbland, still trying to get my brain organized to a full speed ahead approach. I think I need to get back to scheduling everything I do. Or something. There are so many things I want to accomplish this year, and I can if I just stay on task and not let my brain wander arou-... whoa- look at that shiny... what was I saying? Oh yes, aren't kitties cute? Good grief, I got derailed last night where I came to a local (no-kill) shelter's page and found this beautiful long-haired Russian blue mix named Dexter... who I am NOT going to adopt...but I want to.... but no! Can't! See...two cats- you're okay. Three, you start down that slope of becoming a Cat Collector, which then - add a few more cats (o'-cause they small!) you devolve into earning the title of Crazy Cat Lady. Since I already have the 'Crazy' part down, and for all intents and purposes, the 'Lady' part- (I am SO a lady!!!) all it would take is a couple more cats and then I'm That Weirdo Woman With a Whole Bunch of Cats.
Hold on- wasn't I talking about something else?
And there it is- ADD in full bloom which proves my point that yes, scheduling is in order here. 100%. For those of you younglings considering a self-employed career in the arts (writing, arting, musicking) please note that discipline is one of those things you're gonna need to foster in yourself. What makes it particularly imperative that you actively seek to learn the skill of organization, is that the creative gene and the discipline gene are not typically present in the same human. (Those fortunate enough to be endowed with both are usually famous and often millionaires.)
I took a right/left brain test one time and determined that I do not POSESS a left hemisphere. Well, I do, but it's simply a storage facility for old phone numbers and Beatles trivia. And yes, the inside of my brain is a bunch of swirlies and pretty colors, but - it's also a big-ass mess; if you go walking around in there with reckless abandon, you can slip on the wet 'paint' of crazy ideas. Which I often do, and then end up listening to System of a Down and looking up tab for that one Joni Michell song, or at super slo mo videos of running cheetahs, or pics of Tom Hiddleston. Oh, boy, I sense another tangent coming on if I'm not careful here...
Actually, it's already too late- this whole blog has been hijacked by my silly. Ah, well- tomorrow is another day. I will be an organized, lefty brain tomorrow! (yeeeah right.) One final thing- thank you again to all who are helping me out with the Wacom Fund! I can't believe how close I am to the goal! Remember, Jan. 10 I will draw 2 names at random of everyone who donated - and those folks will each get a groovy digital illustration (done with my new tablet of course) of whatever they want! Good luck to everyone!
Have a groovy, swirly, colorful, kitty filled day y'all!
~B
Anyhoo... In Barbland, still trying to get my brain organized to a full speed ahead approach. I think I need to get back to scheduling everything I do. Or something. There are so many things I want to accomplish this year, and I can if I just stay on task and not let my brain wander arou-... whoa- look at that shiny... what was I saying? Oh yes, aren't kitties cute? Good grief, I got derailed last night where I came to a local (no-kill) shelter's page and found this beautiful long-haired Russian blue mix named Dexter... who I am NOT going to adopt...but I want to.... but no! Can't! See...two cats- you're okay. Three, you start down that slope of becoming a Cat Collector, which then - add a few more cats (o'-cause they small!) you devolve into earning the title of Crazy Cat Lady. Since I already have the 'Crazy' part down, and for all intents and purposes, the 'Lady' part- (I am SO a lady!!!) all it would take is a couple more cats and then I'm That Weirdo Woman With a Whole Bunch of Cats.
Hold on- wasn't I talking about something else?
And there it is- ADD in full bloom which proves my point that yes, scheduling is in order here. 100%. For those of you younglings considering a self-employed career in the arts (writing, arting, musicking) please note that discipline is one of those things you're gonna need to foster in yourself. What makes it particularly imperative that you actively seek to learn the skill of organization, is that the creative gene and the discipline gene are not typically present in the same human. (Those fortunate enough to be endowed with both are usually famous and often millionaires.)
I took a right/left brain test one time and determined that I do not POSESS a left hemisphere. Well, I do, but it's simply a storage facility for old phone numbers and Beatles trivia. And yes, the inside of my brain is a bunch of swirlies and pretty colors, but - it's also a big-ass mess; if you go walking around in there with reckless abandon, you can slip on the wet 'paint' of crazy ideas. Which I often do, and then end up listening to System of a Down and looking up tab for that one Joni Michell song, or at super slo mo videos of running cheetahs, or pics of Tom Hiddleston. Oh, boy, I sense another tangent coming on if I'm not careful here...
Actually, it's already too late- this whole blog has been hijacked by my silly. Ah, well- tomorrow is another day. I will be an organized, lefty brain tomorrow! (yeeeah right.) One final thing- thank you again to all who are helping me out with the Wacom Fund! I can't believe how close I am to the goal! Remember, Jan. 10 I will draw 2 names at random of everyone who donated - and those folks will each get a groovy digital illustration (done with my new tablet of course) of whatever they want! Good luck to everyone!
Have a groovy, swirly, colorful, kitty filled day y'all!
~B
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