Barbistar Chaotica

Having one of those Barbistar Chaotica periods.  I've been a little under the weather and didn't sleep well, so I tried to chalk some of it up to mental fatigue, but generally I'm starting to get that antsy feeling of  living in a movie that has no plot. The spinning plates crashing, the Crazy Train off the rails, all that regular bullshit that I've grown to consider my normal for almost 13 years. I know that I have no control over anything, but right now I'm skidding along without a plan and I'm really worried the bridge is out ahead.

I usually take this time of year to write my New Years resolutions and I still want to do that, but I feel so much unease I don't even want to look out that far.  The kid, the parents, a new relationship that scares the hell out of me (because love always does) money issues, finding time to exercise stop this alarming weight gain, working two jobs I feel I don't have a handle on, and desperately missing doing art for MYSELF and wondering if I ever will again.  Right now, everything is scary to look at in any sort of long term way.  And by 'long terml, I mean even as far out as tomorrow.  There seems to be a prevailing sense of that great big shoe waiting to drop- a giant, size 4,000 steel toed boot hovering over my head and waiting to squash me... roller-coaster-in-the-dark nerves... clank clank clank ... climbing that hill you know you are going to go over, just never sure when.

And now I'm being called out if I'm not authentic by someone dear who can tell when I'm faking emotions and won't let me get away with it. This is a very, very good thing, and I know it.  It's going to make me a better person ultimately, but at the same time it's challenging for a couple reasons. Since my M.O. whenever I feel something emotionally negative has been to immediately try to suck it up- something I've never wanted to do or even been good at, but out of duty and the old wiring in my head that emotion is wrong and anything other than stoicism is fail, I've always tried to maintain.  But also it's scary to jump out a window of the familiar and trust that it's not a mistake and that this other person, or any person, will accept me despite my strong component of feeling so deeply.  The curse of the creative idealist- a livewire conduit to the depth of human emotion.  It's what drives people away, and drives me crazy.  It's what makes me want to draw emotionally charged images and stories, and what makes me feel like a misfit.

 I'm very confused right now.